Numb

At this point I don't think anyone can relate to me.....

I think the worst feeling is being so bitter and discounted.
And the honesty of it could be from me not really connecting with Christ this past week, He is the love of my life and I think anyone with any love in there life after a week of no communication would feel dry and irritated.

I have to play a show tonight and I could care less to play it
but at the same time this could be a good way to get out whats on the inside
I dont care if I mess up or not do good
Music probably wont be my profession, I enjoy speaking and connecting with folks
thats the whole point of me playing music.
So why am I so stressed.
I have been so ugly these past few weeks
my heart is hard
no tears .... or nothing
my heart is a freakin stone.
and it sucks.

Its raining outside and its gray and cloudy..
I really think that weather has an effect on mood
cause right now I feel like nothing matters
My walk with Christ, my music, my love for people
how did I get to this place?
I dont want to stay here.
It is the worst way you can feel
numb...

My feelings have been full of lies.
I have just been throwing useless words here lately
I dont think honestly anyone will ever really love me
I probably wont get married.
Im complicated, and as far as I can see down my road, I wont be changing.
Oh, how I want to change

" Love is an ocean wide."
I guess Im stuck on the shore

I failed to give you everything in me.

Once.
One time I met a girl that I really liked.
In everyway she adds up perfectly.
She loved me for everything I was and am.
She had a beautiful heart and soul, I've never met such a person with a servants heart.
But as usual I throw that to the wind.

I'm going to take time.
This is a time for me to really learn Cameron, but more importantly learn Jesus.
I need time to mature.
I need to time to learn to commit to someone whos not a stranger.

I have this remarkable ability to love someone Ive never met....
but for anyone who gets close to me....... I push away

I talk about love alot
I know what love is
I just don't understand faith.
I think once I believe and do away with doubt then I will know..
I'm ready to know.
No doubts, no questions, just honest real know.

This week one of my really good friends passed away
he was the most beautiful man
He showed the love of Christ so deeply.
He had a even heart.
Solid through and through.

I read in mark 3 today for a household to not be divided
for a man with a divided heart is unstable in all of his ways.
Im tired of being like this.
I'm tired of not knowing things in my heart.
My mind needs to stick with something.
and I honestly feel like when I meet the one
I'll just know
at least thats what I hope for.
I can have love like the movies.
I just have to find the girl to have those movie moments with.
I think I'll get to a point where I know I can date.
But until then Im going to live out this life ahead of me.
I'm going to fall into the arms of grace and discover Christ.

No more divided heart.
But from now on
undivided

I'm on a journey to find Cameron
and I have a great feeling about this
I've already made a big sacrifice
from here its me staying steady

Once again,
Ive failed to give you everything in me
but this time
I have a different heart and attitude.

Im due for a really good blog entry
But for now, my thoughts
and whatever I feel

goodnight people
I love you

Ready to say goodbye..

I'm ready to say goodbye to Northeast Mississippi.
This is a very disturbing thought to me.
But its the darn truth.
Its been super great, best 2 years of my life.
But there is only so much connecting you can do.
I understand that people will forever talk about me and that will travel wherever I go
I'm not ok with it but I am

I am just over school
it sucks to say but most people
I have made some amazing friendships and I've also lost some amazing friends
But I'm so ready to move off.
I think I might move home, even though its a desert and no one loves Jesus there
I want to be there
I want to have a man job for some reason

Ok, Im done.
I need to do math and I dont feel like rambling anymore.
Thanks blog.

No Settling

I've been thinking about love and what I would like in the opposite sex.
I realized I can be as picky as I want and my love life can look like any movie I chose!

I want someone who will dance with me at any point I feel.
There are some moments that you can express with anything else except my hands on the lower part of her back and her arms around my neck.
And it's in this moment I feel comfortable enough to whisper any secret I want to in her ear.

I want someones hand who is just perfect in mine
Like I mean in the cheesy way I can.
Like, her fingers interlock right into mine and she smiles because she feels what I feel.

I want everywhere we go for someone to complement our relationship.
Cause they can't help but realize how beautiful we fit together.

Someone who brings comfort to the relationship and brings a simple God faith to my very complex one.

I dont think I'm going to finish this..
For I know it in my heart
and if I share it, it might not come true.
I think I've met this person already...
who knows..
waiting..

My best friend called

There is something so beautiful about coffee and the bible.
Like almost they were made to go hand and hand, or page and cup.

As I sit on the back porch of my Alabama home, weather 60 and rising
fresh dew on the ground
sun shining on my feet and thats the only part cause I'm in the shade with the rest of my body
The birds singing, fish jumping out on our lake, and the wind whistling the tree tops
I write in my book.
53 weeks of rediscovering Jesus.....

I read Ecc 12.
It says " Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, I have no pleasure in them"

It is amazing how this old document is speaking to my mornings
On today I remember my Creator
He is the only Scientist that makes sense.

Today I'm hitting the open road.
It's going to be an amazing journey.

have a good day everyone and remember.

My best friend called me this morning
Made my whole day.

Find pleasure in the little things people
they are the things that fuel your soul.