Only hoping as time goes.

I remember when I first started praying for a wife...

I was 13 and just accepted Christ.
I knew then, at such a young age, that every Godly man needs a Godly woman.

I'll skip the great detail of the in-between 13-21...

Years I have ravaged hearts.
Years I have given away pieces of mine.
Years I have spent wanting more and also wanting less..
and it left me with a messed up mind and a heart heavier than ever.

I decided to start a journey. More of a healing process.
Its one that could be so ugly.

I want to..

face

my sin.

I want to face
myself..

There has to be more to life than finding yourself in a pit of regret, knowing what the Truth is, but hiding it from myself.

I don't want my desire to be a woman no longer
but Gods own heart.

There needs to be a change.

I'll spare you the deep writing and tell you bluntly

any man who wishes to change must remember that his old man still remains and doesn't want to be replaced.

I just have to find who I want to be.

I don't want to walk with regret.

Maybe the truth is......we've never known Him at all....

-But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Phil 3:7.

-Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. Phil 3:8

-and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith-- 3:9

-that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death. 3:10

Have you ever stopped to think to yourself what is most important to you in your life?

I won't finish this blog tonight due to my self examination.
but here is something to think on.
When have you suffered a loss of giving up something to find out just how worth your relationship with Christ is?
have you ever gained something to loss it for Christ sake ?
have you ever lost something and gained something new for your relationship.
have you ever put your self righteousness aside to find righteousness from God?

What is the importance of your life?
what is it you treasure ?

everything is temporary.
Except Christ.
Its eternal.
but yet .....
you seek to save here on this earth
you seek to gain and loss nothing
and have yet to find Christ worthy.......

may you and I both find out how worthy Christ is like paul states here.
May we both find that love.
the one where we loss or gain everything for the worth of Christ.

treasure ?
temporary or eternal?
I'm torn between.

A stranger now to memories

hard to believe ..

before the healing happens....

I don't care anymore.

Turn it off in all my spite.

No wonder why Jesus taught so much about "denying ourselves" or " selfishness"
Because within each human being is pride... and pride produces arrogance.... and self worth...
As in you start seeing yourself better than what you are and better than others...

I won't ever forget the time I got offered a job to go model in Nashville Tn for a few clothing companies.
I felt like that was my "big ticket" the one that would set me off toward acting and modeling and money... and fame.
And to a since even now I feel like I could have.
I feel honestly with the connections I've made and my drive to meet people I could have done anything.
instead I accepted Christ when I was 13 years old and lived a life of selflessness.. or tried to as best I could.

Even at work now I meet sooooo many women who tell me things such as " your hott" etc.
And in all reality what 21 year old male wouldn't let that go straight to his head.
I remember looking back on my "dating career" and remembering all the girls that I had to call it off with because they wanted to have sex, and thats just not what I believed in.

So, I wonder...
what would it look like to find perfection in pride?
What if I modeled, acted, had tons of sex with women, or was a lawyer or whatever.
what would my life look like?

I elevate myself today because these are the very thoughts I've had all day after a very unique conversation with a young lady today.

I know myself pretty well... and I'm very emotions driven.
assuming I would be if I didn't have Christ...
I bet I would feel empty..
lonely
depressed to worst extents...
I would probably wonder whats missing...

but on the flip side I wonder now.
What if, just like a switch, I could turn off the person I was and what I believed and thought as if I never met Christ.
Would all the fame and sex leave me empty?
would I finally let people stop walking on me ?
would I be as popular as I use to be...

Sometimes I think about how much money movie stars make, the fame, etc. and I feel like I could obtain that...
I could have that and be that
but then , what for ?

john 7 and 6
Talks about Jesus doing Gods will.
and if we do anything on our honor it is for our glory.
Anyone who seeks selfish gain for himself cannot live for Christ.
Because it is entirely against everything Jesus taught.
Jesus called us to be servants to others, put others before ourselves....
so if I was to look for perfection in pride I would be disconnected from Christ...

I look here lately and see a pattern of this pride and selfish gain....
No wonder why I struggle so much, I cant be in Gods will if I'm seeking my will or to be in my will.

So to see nothing in the light..
I'll pass.
I enjoy the small things.
Sex with one woman sounds just fine. One real love right there.
To be a model? na, I like my janked up teeth and love handles and mustache.

This was just something on my mind.
nothing to moving.
just a little write in my ole blog.
maybe this is you friend ?
You wondering why you feel out of Gods will?
well, hve you been in yours ?
You can't live to gain glory for yourself and Christ.
decide what you want.

I choose to be the bride of an eternity groom.
Love ever lasting:).

Will you ?

I think there is something about emotional break downs that really does bring you to your right mind.
You know, the kind where you grab the steering wheel and cuss words at it?
Where you call a friend complaining ?
where you cry out to God and find yourself not knowing what the eff your saying?

Yeah....
that was me today....

For some reason I feel so disconnected from God.
Its more then a feeling though, somehow I really am.
I miss being myself...
I miss loving people...
I miss being happy and desiring God...

but maybe honestly I missed the whole point there....

I think there is a reason for the storm I'm going through.
maybe its to finally see that I need God, without Him.. I can not function..
without Him I hate myself along with others.....
Life is dimer without Him and seems so hopeless..
I'm an emotional roller coaster 24/7
I have brought myself to this place
but found myself blaming God...

Some reason I became prideful
some how I stop relying on the love of God.
Some how I found myself bitter and somehow...
found myself hating myself
and hating others...

The source comes from a core point
what is bringing me down like this
is it my selfishness that has finally hooked me ?
is it my continue pile up of garbage without letting God heal me.

Will You God pour into me...
I'm fastly learning I can't live with out You.
I miss You God.
I miss cameron